Me? I’m complicated to say the least. I’m passionate in everything I do. When I love, I love deeply with everything I have and everything I am. When I hate (I try not to do this but, it happens) I hate with just as much devotion and fervor.
I say I hate romance and mushy gushy crap but if I’m being completely honest with myself, I’m a sucker for it. I’ve spent much of my life pushing people away, convincing myself I needed no one, when all I really wanted was to feel a love so deep, so connected that we each feel incomplete without the other. I’m pretty sure I didn’t put walls up to keep people away (no one WANTS to be lonely) but rather to see who loves me enough to break them down.
I come from a pretty conservative upbringing, I’m an only child, I never lived up to my Mother’s vision or expectations of me. She was (and still is) more concerned with what others think, than her own happiness. LIGHT BULB MOMENT…Unfortunately, up to this point, I’ve lived much of my life this way. Sacrificing my own happiness for others. I always felt I wasn’t good enough. Outwardly I dressed and behaved the way my Mother expected, but inwardly I was a rebel child looking for a way out. Now that I’m grown, we have a much better relationship but even in my forties, I still find myself cringing when I have to tell her something I know she’ll disagree with. What the hell am I afraid of? I know she loves me unconditionally.
That brings me to my next topic. Much of my adult life has been spent in turmoil. Turmoil with myself, the world, everyone around me. You see…I’m a lesbian. (Yes I came out to my Mother…No it wasn’t pretty…Yes she still loves me) I’ve known since childhood. Sure, I did the boyfriend thing in my teens, got married and had children. But there’s always been something missing…A void. I never denied my attraction to women, not to myself anyway. Instead, I tucked it away and did what society (and my Mother) expected of me. Today as I sit and think, this makes me really sad, knowing there are many people living their life…THEIR life, in an unhappy existence.
Being lesbian isn’t the only thing I tucked away throughout my life. I’m also naturally submissive in nature and crave this in my relationship. I have a NEED to be with a Dominant woman. A NEED to feel wanted, loved, and cherished on a level so profound that you need each other in order to breathe.
Insert…”T”. I’ll refer to her as T throughout my postings. We met about fifteen years ago and there was an instant connection. The fire and the passion…The deep emotions and the undeniable pull towards each other was instant. There was, and never has been any fighting it. It just is…She is naturally dominant in everything she does. Submission isn’t something given freely or to just anyone. Even though I’ve always needed to be submissive, I’ve fallen short due to having never been with the right person. T makes me WANT to give her this gift. I WANT to give her ALL of me, from the core of my being. My submission to her shows how deep my love and devotion is. I give it freely and without pause and she accepts it lovingly. Her love for me is unyielding and never ending. She’s loving but firm, strong but caring, and more than capable of guiding me through my stubborn streaks. She’s passionately loyal and loving, and together, we are complete…We are one.
It’s been a bumpy road, filled with twists and turns and even a ten year fall off the steepest of cliffs. This blog is a journal of our love story…Our (finally) Happily Ever After…
Until next time, I will remain…Trulyhers