I mentioned in my first post that T and I have traveled down an extremely rocky road and even took a ten year trip down the steepest of cliffs. I’ve seriously contemplated even writing this post, it’s a source of significant sadness for me even though I wouldn’t change the decision I made so long ago.
She and I met in 2002 and there was an instant connection, one that neither of us could deny. We lived about eight hours apart and began travelling to visit each other. We quickly fell in love and committed to love each other forever. It’s this love and unexplainable pull to each other that has stood the test of time.
This is where our story gets intricate, and honestly, it’s taking a lot for me to verbalize this and put myself out there. I was married…With children. Young children. Now, before you begin to cast judgement, let me inform you of a few facts. Our marriage was a very tumultuous one filled with mental and physical abuse. I was never happy and even questioned my life choice on my wedding day. I won’t go into details about the abuse because that isn’t the focus of this post, but let’s just say, I lived my life under a microscope. Every move I made, every breath I took was up for inspection and argument. I lived our whole life together almost in a childlike state. Being told exactly what to do, when to do it and how to do it.
We were also involved in the swinging scene for a few years. Personally, I used it as a way to be with a woman, and he…Well, he used it for sex. We were involved in threesomes, foursomes, and even began to play separately, away from each other. (All this took place before I met T. Once I laid eyes on her, I knew there would never be another woman for me, nor did I desire to pursue anyone else from that moment on.) As I sit here today, I ask myself, what the fuck? Really? Who does that? Can people who sincerely love each other allow their partner to have sex with other people, and even watch it? I’m not judging anyone’s decisions on the matter but in my case, no. I was never in love with him, and admitting this today is a hard pill to swallow, but I allowed myself to continue living a life out of fear, habit, and security. Now that I’ve experienced the love and connection T and I have I’ve learned what TRUE, honest, and pure love feels like. Something I’d never felt before.
Halt…This is where I take a moment to defend myself and say that I’ve always and still remain an extremely loyal person. Once I make a commitment, it’s set in stone. I’ve always been against people having extramarital affairs, both emotional and physical. I’ve been known to talk total shit about people who cheat, I detest them. I did, on more than one occasion confide to the husband that I had feelings for T. He just didn’t know the extent of those feelings. (Defensive side note there)
Now let’s get back on track. My husband knew I was attracted to women before we were ever married. He also knew exactly where I was going when I visited her and what we were doing. (well, he didn’t know all the juicy details, but you know what I mean) Not a very traditional marriage I’m well aware of, but it worked at the time.
Every chance we got, T and I continued to see each other for a few years, always making the most of the time we had together. When we were apart, I’d go through bouts of depression, aimlessly wandering through my days. During this time, she came out to her family and even chose to leave the relationship she was in. I’ve always admired her for having the courage to be who she really is and to be honest with those around her. I however, did nothing. Even with the promise that we’d one day be together, I chose to continue in my marriage for the sake of my children. I could never imagine leaving my girls behind and that’s exactly what would of happened. I had to come to terms with the fact that my husband was a better provider for them and their life would be better with him. Once I had that realization, I made the decision to stay. There was nothing, not even my love for T and the bond we shared that could ever pull me away from my children, and she loved me enough to understand and never once asked me to leave them. I don’t regret for one second, remaining physically present in my children’s life. I’ve been the best Mom I could be, I’ve been there for them each and every day, I can now say I helped shape and mold them into the women they will become. For that, I am proud and thankful. Even so, I was still heartbroken. I’d decided to walk away from the love of my life so that I could be present in the life of my girls. She fell into a life of “not giving a shit about anything” by drinking and partying. Trying to drown the demons I’d left behind. I’ve lived the last ten years being depressed and angry. Angry at myself, angry at my husband, angry with the world. But the worst part is the guilt I’ve had to endure. There was never a day that I haven’t felt responsible for her misery. I felt responsible for her leaving that relationship for me…Coming out to her family for me, and I ALWAYS felt responsible for her becoming someone who fell into drowning her heartache at the bottom of a bottle, all while I continued to present my “perfect little life” to the world. (I’ve since come to realize that her decisions were for herself, not me, and I probably shouldn’t feel responsible, but I always did.) Her outcome would of been the same…She’s totally gay!! 😉
I’ve lived the past ten years trying to make the most of Raising my girls and trying to make a doomed marriage work. I never stopped loving her and thought of her each and every day. I reached out a few times over the years only to find a happy T living it up, having fun and being comfortable with her life choices. I wanted her in my life but who was I to continue to pop in and out of hers only to have it end in heartache? I thought it was better to leave her alone and let her find happiness. Even though the thought of her being with ANYone else haunted me, I wanted nothing more. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to be loved, even if the someone loving her wasn’t me. (That thought still destroys me to this day). (Come to find out, she was never happy, but decided it was best to portray this to me in order to make my life easier.)
Fast forward ten years. It’s now the Summer of 2015. As always, she was on my mind and I bravely reached out once more. Long story short…I texted asking for her number, she responded, I called. I’ll never forget what she said to me and this one comment changed the course of our future. I mentioned something about our past and she simply said, and I quote word for word (I’ll never forget it). “I have no regrets, I wouldn’t change a thing except for the ending”. OH…MY…GOD…The magic words I had longed to hear for ten long years were finally spoken! She never stopped loving me nor did she let a day go by where she didn’t long for the time when we’d be together, for good, forever. I’m not exactly sure why she decided to put herself out there this time but I’m elated she did.
It’s now February 2016, she and I have talked every single day, I’ve visited her several times, one daughter is grown, the other is almost an adult and I’ve made the decision to not let another day pass without having T in my life. I’ve come out to my Mom, my husband and children now know the entire truth and our future is on the right road. We still live hours apart but are in the process of getting me moved to be with her. We are, and have always been committed to the fact that our love and bond is one that can’t be, nor should it ever be denied again.
I love you T, with everything I have and am thrilled about our Finally, Happily Ever After.
Until next time, I’ve always been and will always be…Trulyhers