My One Regret…

Rocking Chair on Porch

If you could go back and restart your life, would you do anything differently? I’m quite sure there’s more than one decision I would change but the one that stands out to me is a touchy subject. One that I kept a secret from the time I was a young child.

My Mother was a single parent who raised me with the help of her parents. I was at my grandparents home more than I was at my own. I spent lots of time outdoors at their house, playing in the yard, rocking on the porch, or riding my bike. We were your typical close knit southern family growing up in the 80’s.

I’ll never forget the details of this day. I was riding my bike down their street when a neighbor called from their porch and asked me to come on up. This family was friends with mine, their children grew up with my Mom and the wife was friends with my Grandmother. As I mounted the front porch stairs,  he asked for a hug and told me to come sit on his lap so he could talk to me for a minute, as he patted his knee. When I climbed onto his lap and turned around to have a seat, he reached down between my legs using my private area for leverage to “help” him get me situated. As if that wasn’t enough, he kept his hand there and continued to move it around. The recollection will forever be burned into my memory.

I knew this wasn’t right. My mind was screaming “Jump up!”…”Run!” But I was frozen…my stomach dropped through the floor as I sat there confused and afraid. Luckily it didn’t take long to gain my senses, pinch the shit out of his arm, scream at him that he was a “nasty old man”  snatch up my bike and walk home to my grandparents…

So yes, there is something I would change. I’d rectify the fact that I was molested and never told a soul. I never had the courage to tell my own Mom or grandparents. Looking back, he was your typical dirty old man, greasy, who sat on his front porch watching all the little girls in the neighborhood with a shit eating grin on his face. I’m haunted by the question if he ever did this, or worse, to any other girl? If I had found my voice would it have stopped another child from being violated? These questions will always remain as he passed away years later, unaffected, unpunished, and probably unconcerned about his horrible actions he inflicted on an innocent child.

It’s taken real courage for me to post this. As I said before, this happened when I was very young and I didn’t tell a soul until two years ago…I was forty two when I shared this with my Mother.

What would you change if you could restart your life?

Until next time…Trulyhers

This entry was posted in darkness, despair, life, molestation, slate of life, violated. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to My One Regret…

  1. maeve says:

    Wow! just wow! I am so sorry you lived with that by yourself for so long. I was raped in my bed with my daughter in the room. Trust takes a lot to be built after something like that. Love and support.


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