I had an “ahh haa” moment around midnight last night. It was an eye opening one at that.
I do a lot of research and browse through blogs consisting of BDSM and D/s information. There are many submissives who actually enjoy being punished. They enjoy pushing and testing their Dominant partner in order to be disciplined because they seem to enjoy the spanking and/or the pain inflicted upon them during punishment.
I always thought I fell into that category but I realized last night, that’s not exactly correct. I was under the assumption that I tested and pushed in order to get a spanking…But here’s the thing, I don’t like pushing and testing her for the end result of a punishment, I do so more to see if she’s paying attention. I’m not sure why I continue to do this because she’s always watching and misses nothing.
I was under the illusion that I relished the pain simply because it was pain but now realize it’s more profound than that. I realized last night, after a spanking session (one given to me for her mere pleasure simply because she wanted to) that although I do enjoy pain (even though she’s made it perfectly clear that pain given for a punishment will NOT be pleasurable) the fact that it’s coming from a place deep inside of her is what captivates me.
I don’t enjoy disappointing her and I don’t even enjoy the pain from discipline. But what I absolutely cherish and appreciate is the fact that she’s asserting her Dominance over me. She’s fulfilling a deep rooted need and raw desire to command and control, while simultaneously fulfilling my need to allow it.
I savor the moments when I discover new things about myself, and who I’m becoming. I’m evolving each and every day and it’s very gratifying knowing that T is the one to help me on this journey. I look forward to finally becoming Me.
Until next time…Trulyhers