Faking a Smile…


Here’s a checklist I found for depression. My thoughts are italicized. 

    • Things just seem “off” or “wrong.” CHECK
    • You don’t feel hopeful or happy about anything in your life. CHECKWell, not everything but quite a few things.
    • You’re crying a lot for no apparent reason, either at nothing, or something that normally would be insignificant.
    • You feel like you’re moving (and thinking) in slow motion.
    • Getting up in the morning requires a lot of effort. CHECKIf I had my way I’d lay in bed all day. Sometimes I like to get out of the house but for the most part I feel safest in my bed. I’m not sure what the connection is between feeling safe and being surrounded by my pillows.
    • Carrying on a normal conversation is a struggle. You can’t seem to express yourself. CHECKThis happens to me on a daily basis. I have difficulty putting my thoughts into words and then am even more frustrated because things that I want to say get left unsaid.
  • You’re having trouble making simple decisions. OMG CHECK!…I can’t decide on ANYTHING!
  • Your friends and family really irritate you. CHECK…Even the smallest things annoy me.
  • You’re not sure if you still love your spouse/significant other.
  • Smiling feels stiff and awkward. It’s like your smiling muscles are frozen. No…I’m a pro at faking a smile and pretending everything is okay.
  • It seems like there’s a glass wall between you and the rest of the world.
  • You’re forgetful, and it’s very difficult to concentrate on anything. CHECKThis causes me the most stress on a daily basis. I can’t remember anything, it’s more than frustrating, makes me feel completely incompetent and makes me sad.
  • You’re anxious and worried a lot. OMG CHECK!I live in a constant state of anxiety and God forbid anything stressful happen in my life. I lose sleep, eat, and worry myself sick. Literally.
  • Everything seems hopeless.
  • You feel like you can’t do anything right. CHECK...I often feel like a failure in almost every aspect of my life. Mothering, career, friendships…I feel like I’ve wasted my life and never did anything with it that was worth anything.
  • You have recurring thoughts of death and/or suicidal impulses. Suicide seems like a welcome relief.CHECK…Here’s the thing…I would never hurt myself, I don’t have the nerve, and I’m too terrified of death and the unknown of what’s after that. But I have to say, there are times when I think others would be better off without me. I’ve never actually thought of a plan, or even how I would do it, but I have wondered what it would be like to not be here.
  • You have a feeling of impending doom – you think something bad is going to happen, although you may not be sure what. CHECK.…Constantly. Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been plagued with the feeling of always waiting for something bad to happen. Whether it’s an accident, or my death, a terrible illness or something bad happening to a loved one, It’s always there.
  • …You have a very specific fear that torments you constantly. CHECKDeath or a disease that causes it.
  • In your perception of the world around you, it’s always cloudy. Even on sunny days, it seems cloudy and gray.
  • You feel as though you’re drowning or suffocating. CHECKNot literally but sometimes just everyday life makes me feel so overwhelmed that I’m not sure how I’ll make it through the day.
  • You’re agitated, jumpy and and anxious much of the time.CHECKAnxious ALL the time and very easily agitated. And God forbid someone piss me off, it makes me want to punch em in the face!
  • Your senses seem dulled; food tastes bland and uninteresting, music doesn’t seem to affect you, you don’t bother smelling flowers anymore.
  • Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity. CHECK…Absolutely!

Looking at this list I’d say I’m pretty depressed. Even though I still enjoy many aspects of life: smelling flowers, watching sunsets, spending time with family, my dogs, thunderstorms, the sound of rain…

I hear I need to have the Dr change my zoloft to lexapro. After looking at this list, maybe it’s worth a shot.


This entry was posted in anxiety, BDSM, being alive, darkness, death and dying, depression, despair, fear, life, stress. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Faking a Smile…

  1. Hugs*
    It’s horrible how a chemical imbalance in the brain can put us in the worst places mentally. Everything can be perfect with no reasoning to be ‘sad’ or ‘discontent’… and that’s the worst. Everything appears perfect but we still can’t fight the mental war caused by our bodies that go on inside us.
    Sending many, many hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. dave94015 says:

    Depression is the most common illness for older people. This checklist is helpful for recognizing it. Slight changes in the brain chemistry can cause a major change in your feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

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